A Season of Waiting

Writing is a true therapy for me. I am not always gushing to write something, but when I am inspired I must take the time to sit down and pen what is in my heart. Often times I succeed at writing when I feel led, but learning to write as a discipline has been something I have been working on. When 2014 started I had the goal of writing one post a week. I love reading weekly blog posts and I love to write so I figured I should give it a try. Yet, here we are six weeks into the new year and I have already failed at one of my resolutions. This week will change that. My goal for the weekly blog posts is to virtually bring you into my living room as my friend. I want you to feel as though we are sitting there drinking a glass of sweet tea as a pie bakes in the oven, sharing our joys and sorrows.

This past October, I visited my mom’s hometown, with my mom, sister, aunt, and granny. While in Henderson we visited one of my Granny’s friends, Lillian. As I walked into her home I was greeted with the smell of a fresh-baked pumpkin pie, along with a sweet southern embrace. While sharing our pie we talked about our various lives, where we had gone and what we had done. Of the seven women present, five of them had experienced tremendous loss in some way. Some had lost children, others their husbands, and yet they continued to be women of unconditional joy and faith. As I sat there observing their moments of tears and laughter, I couldn’t help but to wish for the same.

Our culture is so caught up in running to the next thing, having the perfect life, and filling our time with more stuff that we forget to stop, share a piece of pie and catch up on life. We’d rather text than talk on the phone. We’d rather look at instagram than experience life with others. We’d rather catch up on the latest news on Facebook than invite people into our home. We have no problem sharing the happy things on social media, but we will not dare look vulnerable or share our sorrows with others. I don’t want to be like that any longer. I want to be open with others, letting them see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want others to feel at home in my presence, not like they must have it all together. At the end of it all I want to be a portrait of God’s grace, sharing with others that when I have fallen, my Savior has picked me up. Therefore, even if life becomes routine, I will seek to use this blog as a means of worshipping God in the midst of monotony. In times of joy I will share His wonderful blessings, and in times of sorrow, I will share of His life-altering lessons and the peace only He can give.

After our cruise last June, Jordan and I felt called to begin trying to start a family. So far, eight months later, it still hasn’t happened. I know for some eight months seems like nothing compared to eight years, but I have begun to have an understanding of the monthly heartbreak that comes after a negative test comes back. I want nothing more than to be a mother. I breathe, eat, sleep all things motherhood right now. It is all I think about! I have given up cokes and sugar (for the most part), brought yoga into my daily routine, and disciplined myself to wake up with Jordan so I can get things done around the house before he gets home. Jordan and I have specifically gotten our finances in order so that we may be ready when a baby does come. I daydream of how I will tell Jordan, our families, and the world when the time comes, and I pin all things baby when I have a few minutes to spare. Yet despite all of my  “preparation”, God has not answered my prayer.

After getting a few negative tests, I began to get jealous of all the happy moms and pregnant ladies around me. I began to rush God’s timing for my own desires. I would only pray really hard when the time would come for a test, and when it came back negative I would cry out of disappointment. Up until January this was a cyclical series of emotions. While at church one day I felt so convicted for my attitude. I felt ashamed for not trusting God’s timing and for attempting to rush His perfect plan. I was so convicted I walked up to the altar of the church, and just as Hannah poured her heart before the Lord (1 Samuel 1:10-16), I surrendered my desire for motherhood to Him.

This act of surrendering my greatest desire to the Lord has by no means been easy. My sinful nature pushes me to rush this time. I want to blow past all of this waiting instead of savoring each moment as a gift. Despite my impatience, God has me in this season of waiting for a reason. I must completely and fully trust Him. 1 Samuel 1:20, according to the ESV version, says that Hannah conceived a child in due time. The Bible does not tell us when exactly this happened, but it did happen in God’s timing. When God was finished preparing Hannah for the miracle of a child He answered her prayer. I believe the same will happen for me. I often feel as though I am ready now, but ultimately God says I am not. I need to trust Him and His timing more, and I need to desire Him more than I desire a child. Above all, I do not want to waste this time any longer.

So, for this season of waiting, I will love Jesus more. I will cherish the time I have with Jordan as just the two of us. I will work hard to be healthy and fit for when a blessing comes my way. I will snuggle with my pups while they are still my fur-babies. I will spend Saturdays photographing life on our little farm. I will be motivated to persevere through my job and school. I will dream up new ways to improve our home. I will plant gardens, travel, sing, read, and write. I will spend this time of in-between, experiencing the very best of life. When I feel as though I am beginning to slip, I will remember God’s Word- “But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

I know this has been a lot to read and take in, and I thank you for taking the time to read a part of my life. If you are in the same boat as me, know that you are not alone at any point of this process. I hope that you were encouraged in some way and I hope that we all will truly learn the depth of Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6

Here are a few pictures from our little farm:

A beautiful cardinal in one of our front trees.

Our lab, Breck, patiently waiting for Jordan’s command to come.

Jordan and the dogs playing in the background.

My favorite flowers, and favorite weekly pick-me-up from my thoughtful husband.

Little birds at our feeder.

My bird watching partner, Brisket.

Female cardinal at the feeder.

23 and Married- A Christian’s Response

Lately I have seen quite a few ladies share a post on my Facebook feed titled “23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23”, and I must admit the article offended me quite a bit, as well as made me shake my head towards the stupidity of the suggestions. What bothered me most was the fact the ladies who claim to follow Christ were posting it with words plastered above it such as, “truth”, “a must read”, “every single lady must read this!” As I dove into the article I noticed that her entire premise was off base. Yes, the divorce rate among those who marry young is pathetic. Yes, divorce has become a mere “hit it and quit it” excuse for a big day all about the bride. What she fails to understand is that for those of us who have gotten married young (21 for me!), and who claim to follow Christ, divorce has never been apart of our vocabulary. Divorce simply has never been an option, nor will it ever be, and this should be the mentality of ALL believers.

The writer goes on to say that we are not our parents generation nor our grandparents for that matter. But I must ask, they all got married young, pursued careers, defied societal expectations, valued family, and maintained a sense of morality in American culture. Of those things just mentioned, what is so bad? Perhaps if we sought to be more like them our world would be a much better place. I, for one, love the idea of being a young mom, I love the idea of experiencing as much of life as possible with the love of my life, and I love everything about being married. I am not confined to this picket fence, settled down lifestyle; instead I have the freedom to grow alongside the one I love, to build a legacy with him, and see the world through a lovers eyes. What a blessing it is to be married! It is not a ball and chain, and it’s not the imprisonment of everything I ever hoped to be! Sure we don’t have the money to fly all over the world because we own a home, maintain a steady job, and all those other things, but it has by no means kept us from experiencing the best parts of life.

As I read through her list I realized that her suggestions were merely the ramblings of an 18 year old stuck in a 23 year olds body. In essence she wants nothing to do with responsibility. She wants to travel, explore new religions, make out with random people, and focus merely on herself. As a Christian, life can never be so selfish. As a woman after God’s own heart, we are to have a passion for Him and for his people. We are called to serve strangers, not make out with them. We are called to go in order to proclaim Christ’s name, not for our own selfish gain. We are called to view our bodies as a temple, not to fill it with junk and pose naked for the world to see. We are called to honor our parents, not to disappoint them. We are called to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, not to fill our minds with false teaching. We are called to be different, not trendy, hipster, prepster or anything -ster. If more Christians chose to be different from the rest of the world, perhaps the divorce rates would be different. Perhaps, we, as believers, would be taken more seriously.

Ladies who call yourselves Christians, do not be fooled by the ramblings of a non-believer. Ultimately, she is lonely and tired of being single as well. If she weren’t she wouldn’t have written such condescending words towards those who are married so young. Sure, in a few years I hope to have a family. I won’t be as thin as I used to be, and I hope to be pregnant. But I will be living in accordance with God’s will for my life. I will have a husband that is only devoted to me, and children whom I will be blessed to nurture and teach. As she states in her article, you are responsible for your own happiness, but what she fails to state is that, as a believer, you are also responsible for following God’s Word and allowing Him to direct your life, not the whims of the world.

All in all, BE DIFFERENT! Go and do what God has called you to do with wild abandonment. Place your trust in HIS plan for your life. Let Him bring that amazing man into your life and show you all He has for you. If He doesn’t have Mr. Right come your way anytime soon, then just pursue intimacy with your Savior, that’s all he wants. As someone who did get married at 21, take it from me, you will never miss out on the beauty of life. Only the best lies ahead!