When reality isn’t so graceful.

If you scroll through Pinterest or Insta for any length of time, you are bound to see a sun-drenched room, a doting daddy, a beautiful, long-haired mama, and precious children all positioned perfectly for that moment in time. No one ever shares the moments or days before or after THAT moment. The picture cannot communicate the frustration heard beneath the parents’ smiles or the tears shed trying to get their little ones to cooperate. Perhaps, the dark circles under the mother’s eyes are photo-shopped out of the picture. Perhaps, the doting dad didn’t even want to be in the shot. Perhaps, the baby is currently sitting in a dirty diaper, and perhaps, the toddler hasn’t napped in days. But, for that moment, for the rest of the world to see, that family looks like they have it all together. And for people like me, even being fully aware of what it takes to get the perfect shot, my expectations are skewed. There’s nothing wrong with the photo itself, in fact, the photo should be praised for how it portrays a family, but it is my perception that is off. And if we’re being honest, my perception has been off for a few weeks.

Writing is therapy for me. Whereas I am reserved in speech, I am open in print. I don’t understand why God made me this way, and far too often I wish my mouth could convey my thoughts the way my hand types them. But alas, I am here, once more pouring my heart over the keyboard, bringing a slew of people I don’t know in, hoping and praying God takes these few words and uses them to minister to hearts.

Everyone tells you how insane life is with two under two. They share their horror stories and their sweet memories, and while their words were meant to encourage, I was often left with feelings of mommy guilt. Did we make a mistake by being “proactive” and starting to try earlier than later for a sibling for our girl? (Let me stop there and say, I fully know that fear is from the pit of Hell, the sweet baby sitting beside me, as I type, is by no means a surprise to my All-knowing God. She was brought forth at this time to accomplish His pleasing and perfect will.) Other fears like, how will I be able to give of myself to a busy toddler, a newborn baby, and a precious husband, all while taking care of my home and myself (in some way)? Will our toddler like her sister? When will I sleep and shower? How will J feel about a house full of girls? The list went on and on, I would lie awake at night swollen and hurting from pregnancy, savoring each kick, all the while trying to pray away the fears Satan placed in my head.

Then, Lettie arrived, and all those irrational fears subsided as I sat in a hospital bed watching my Star hold out her hands for her sister without even seeing her face. As I watched my husband hold both his girls, telling our oldest, his mini, all about her sister. As I smelled that sweet newborn smell, and felt her body match the rhythm of mine. My heart only grew, and for that moment, the image of my family rivaled all those images on Pinterest and Instagram.

Fast forward a few weeks, a massive kidney infection, a bachelorette party, birthday parties, graduation parties, a huge wedding, and a family holiday, a clingy baby, a busy toddler, a home full of projects, a new diet plan (to help Lettie), and learning a new routine, and this mama was left completely spent, sleep deprived, yet an insomniac, and feeling completely lost and out of control. Amid all the hustle and bustle of life, those baby blues had turned into Post-Partum Depression and Anxiety, and simply put at the moment of realization of what was happening, I felt low. Simply low and in a fog.

Those fears that had been put to rest crept back up, but this time those fears have been replaced with an identity crisis, a woman who feels her heart and her head are in complete contrast. A woman who is lonely but wants to be alone. A woman who wants to go and live life, but gets anxiety at the thought of seeing people outside her inner circle. A woman who is sick of laundry, but needs routine and order. A woman who likes her hair, but hates her body. A woman who seeks joy, yet feels a haze of sadness stealing the moments she expected. A woman who feels guilty for dealing with this during a time that is supposed to be filled with excitement. A woman whose home and heart look nothing like the graceful images on the computer or in Parents magazine, despite all her hopes and (unrealistic) expectations.

The reality is that my life isn’t so graceful. I am simply trying to keep my girls alive and thriving, while investing in my husband, and admitting to the fact that I need help and a change in perspective to lift this fog. I am taking the steps to get there:

• Spending time talking with my Wonderful Counselor
• Recognizing the need and asking for help
• Communicating with my husband
• Eating good foods (thank you dairy free)
• Getting outside and being active
• Finding order and routine amongst the mess
• And being real with the world

The picture of my life doesn’t meet my expectations right now, but that doesn’t mean it can’t, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I won’t look back and wish for these days again. The beauty of this moment is that while my reality isn’t graceful, my God is abounding with grace. And it is only through the grace He extends me that I can be at peace again. How thankful I am to know His grace never runs out! Jesus Calling tells me He longs to make my life a glorious adventure. This ungraceful reality is all apart of His grand story, and even in the midst of my sorrow-filled fog, I still trust Him.

Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43:19 (msg)

Open up before God, keep nothing back; he’ll do whatever needs to be done: He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon. Psalm 37:5 (msg)

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.”  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:15-17 (NIV)

 

American Dream.

Yesterday, the world stopped as grabbed my camera to capture our sweet baby girl in her red, white, and blue. For just a moment, the state of our country and my worries about the world I will raise her in faded away. Instead, through the lens of my camera, I captured the American Dream. In the midst of that beautiful golden glow, I saw a daddy showing his daughter all the beauty in the world. I heard the squeals of joy from a baby girl’s mouth. I captured a daddy standing close by, making sure she could not fall. I watched my little girl feel the each blade of grass, smile at her first handful of dirt, and look up into the trees for the bird chirping nearby. I captured our favorite tree, whose branches are almost as wide as our little home. A home where luxuries and money are in short supply, and yet love and laughter fill it to the brim. My camera captured a family, full of faults but relying on Grace. A family that seeks to glorify the Lord in all things. Ultimately, I captured a world, that if we choose to put Christ first, only consists of the best days ahead. If you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders this week, if you are broken over the state of our country, I urge you to purge your life of the world for just a moment. Step outside, grab a camera, listen to your children, read God’s Word, and capture the beauty and promise that surrounds you. Jesus will meet you there. He will calm your fears and comfort your heart. Experience His goodness, love, and peace today!

My American Dream is still within my grasp. This country has given me the greatest life I could imagine. I have the liberty to worship my Savior as I choose, and each and everyday I am in constant pursuit of the happiness that can only be found in Him. I still believe in the American Dream. I still believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I still believe our best days are ahead! God bless America, my home sweet home.

seeking to serve.

These past few days I have been prayerfully seeking what aspect of Jesus I would like to focus on, in preparation for Easter. I wanted to focus on an aspect of Jesus that I needed more in my own life, and I desperately wanted to be challenged like never before. That’s when the Lord used My Utmost for His Highest in my life once more. The title of today’s devotion is The Determination to Serve, and I was struck hard by the word serve. When is the last time I sought to serve?

Am I willing to serve selflessly? Do I serve without complaint? Is my first choice to serve? Am I willing to serve and give, even to the point of death, just as Christ? Honestly? No.

I am a product of the ME generation. Despite having wonderful examples of service in my life, I rarely seek to serve. My life revolves around me most of the time. I am quick to focus on my blessings, but I so often fail to seek to be a blessing to others. I focus on my time, my plans, and my home, but I fail to focus on areas where I should serve. I no longer want to be associated with my generation. Life all about me is empty, without purpose, and lonely. This is not the life I am called to. This is not the life any believer is called to.

Because our culture is so fixated on ourselves, a heart of service towards others is rare. However, if I am to be more like Jesus, then my heart must seek to put others first, not for their approval, but for His. Oswald Chambers states in My Utmost for His Highest, “When we realize that Jesus Christ has served us to the end of our meanness, our selfishness, and sin, nothing that we meet with from others can exhaust our determination to serve men for His sake.”

Over these next few weeks I will begin the process of shifting my focus. It will not be an easy task to change my thinking, but in order for me to be who God has called me to be, I must seek to serve. I want to have the determination to serve. I want my life to be a picture of selfless giving. If am to be told someday, “Well done my good and faithful servant”, then I need to become a servant of the gospel for the lost, a servant for God’s people, a servant for God’s purpose, and a servant seeking His approval above all else.

I don’t know yet how I am going to accomplish this task of seeking to serve, but I know it starts with a heart, broken of pride, open to a challenge, and filled with love. As I seek to serve, my home will be a sanctuary of worship to my Savior. The TV will be off, social media will be limited, worship music will be on, and everything having to do with our ME culture will be purged from my house. I will spend time in prayer, praying for the lost, praying for the broken, praying for purpose, praying for the determination to serve, even when I don’t want to. I will make time to study the life of Christ, seeking to be more like Him, and thanking Him for His ultimate sacrifice.

“just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,

and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

Banning Bossy and Pursuing Character

If you have watched any portion of the news in the last few weeks you will have heard of the Banning Bossy campaign. Banning Bossy is a push by women to take the word “bossy” and its condescending message out of American vocabulary.

Personally, I agree with this campaign. I agree with removing this word from my own vocabulary, and I agree that I have seen and felt this word do more harm than good.
However, I do not agree with replacing this word with more synonyms. Words like “assertive” and “bold” only mask the sting of the word bossy. They are the politically correct way of stating a woman is bossy or worse yet a female dog. In a world where women constantly feel the need to empower themselves simply replacing a word does nothing, a change of perspective must come as well.

As a woman with a will stronger than that of ten men, but more importantly as a woman seeking Christ, I believe Christian women need to step out and push for women of character, not just women of strength. My strong-will is no good if I don’t have the character and moral compass of a woman who loves Jesus. My words of boldness are spoken in vain if they are not spoken out of the inspiration of the spirit. My actions of standing out do no good if it is only for my gain, not for Christ’s.

The Bible is full of women of strength; Deborah, Esther, Ruth, Rahab, and Mary have shown us how to be bold women changing the world out of obedience to their Creator. They spoke when prompted, acted at the right time, and ultimately glorified their Creator when their job was done.

Instead of a world full of loud, independent, assertive women, we need a world of confident women. We need women who aren’t afraid to be different, women who speak with kindness, and who act out of humility. We need women who are nurturing in the midst of tragedy, who are organized in the midst of chaos, and put the needs of others before themselves. We need women who will boldly step out and fight for life, fight for a woman’s God-given role in the home, and will motivate and inspire the very best from their families. We need women of intelligence and discipline to do what needs to be done when no one else can. We need women who understand the value of a soft-spoken word, and a gentle touch, women who are meek and yet filled with Divine strength. Ultimately, we need a world of women of character- a world of velvet bricks, and steel magnolias.

At the end of the day, I want to be known for my obedience to Jesus, my love of my husband and our family, and for my character and how it is lived out every day of my life. I want to be a woman who is respected not from what I say or do, but from the way in which I carry the cross of Christ throughout every part of my life.

For those “bossy” girls out there, be different, be a woman who seeks Jesus above all else- Your strength only comes from Him.

My wonderful examples of women of character.

 

My Velvet Brick of a Mama. She has taught me life’s most important lessons.

A Season of Waiting

Writing is a true therapy for me. I am not always gushing to write something, but when I am inspired I must take the time to sit down and pen what is in my heart. Often times I succeed at writing when I feel led, but learning to write as a discipline has been something I have been working on. When 2014 started I had the goal of writing one post a week. I love reading weekly blog posts and I love to write so I figured I should give it a try. Yet, here we are six weeks into the new year and I have already failed at one of my resolutions. This week will change that. My goal for the weekly blog posts is to virtually bring you into my living room as my friend. I want you to feel as though we are sitting there drinking a glass of sweet tea as a pie bakes in the oven, sharing our joys and sorrows.

This past October, I visited my mom’s hometown, with my mom, sister, aunt, and granny. While in Henderson we visited one of my Granny’s friends, Lillian. As I walked into her home I was greeted with the smell of a fresh-baked pumpkin pie, along with a sweet southern embrace. While sharing our pie we talked about our various lives, where we had gone and what we had done. Of the seven women present, five of them had experienced tremendous loss in some way. Some had lost children, others their husbands, and yet they continued to be women of unconditional joy and faith. As I sat there observing their moments of tears and laughter, I couldn’t help but to wish for the same.

Our culture is so caught up in running to the next thing, having the perfect life, and filling our time with more stuff that we forget to stop, share a piece of pie and catch up on life. We’d rather text than talk on the phone. We’d rather look at instagram than experience life with others. We’d rather catch up on the latest news on Facebook than invite people into our home. We have no problem sharing the happy things on social media, but we will not dare look vulnerable or share our sorrows with others. I don’t want to be like that any longer. I want to be open with others, letting them see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want others to feel at home in my presence, not like they must have it all together. At the end of it all I want to be a portrait of God’s grace, sharing with others that when I have fallen, my Savior has picked me up. Therefore, even if life becomes routine, I will seek to use this blog as a means of worshipping God in the midst of monotony. In times of joy I will share His wonderful blessings, and in times of sorrow, I will share of His life-altering lessons and the peace only He can give.

After our cruise last June, Jordan and I felt called to begin trying to start a family. So far, eight months later, it still hasn’t happened. I know for some eight months seems like nothing compared to eight years, but I have begun to have an understanding of the monthly heartbreak that comes after a negative test comes back. I want nothing more than to be a mother. I breathe, eat, sleep all things motherhood right now. It is all I think about! I have given up cokes and sugar (for the most part), brought yoga into my daily routine, and disciplined myself to wake up with Jordan so I can get things done around the house before he gets home. Jordan and I have specifically gotten our finances in order so that we may be ready when a baby does come. I daydream of how I will tell Jordan, our families, and the world when the time comes, and I pin all things baby when I have a few minutes to spare. Yet despite all of my  “preparation”, God has not answered my prayer.

After getting a few negative tests, I began to get jealous of all the happy moms and pregnant ladies around me. I began to rush God’s timing for my own desires. I would only pray really hard when the time would come for a test, and when it came back negative I would cry out of disappointment. Up until January this was a cyclical series of emotions. While at church one day I felt so convicted for my attitude. I felt ashamed for not trusting God’s timing and for attempting to rush His perfect plan. I was so convicted I walked up to the altar of the church, and just as Hannah poured her heart before the Lord (1 Samuel 1:10-16), I surrendered my desire for motherhood to Him.

This act of surrendering my greatest desire to the Lord has by no means been easy. My sinful nature pushes me to rush this time. I want to blow past all of this waiting instead of savoring each moment as a gift. Despite my impatience, God has me in this season of waiting for a reason. I must completely and fully trust Him. 1 Samuel 1:20, according to the ESV version, says that Hannah conceived a child in due time. The Bible does not tell us when exactly this happened, but it did happen in God’s timing. When God was finished preparing Hannah for the miracle of a child He answered her prayer. I believe the same will happen for me. I often feel as though I am ready now, but ultimately God says I am not. I need to trust Him and His timing more, and I need to desire Him more than I desire a child. Above all, I do not want to waste this time any longer.

So, for this season of waiting, I will love Jesus more. I will cherish the time I have with Jordan as just the two of us. I will work hard to be healthy and fit for when a blessing comes my way. I will snuggle with my pups while they are still my fur-babies. I will spend Saturdays photographing life on our little farm. I will be motivated to persevere through my job and school. I will dream up new ways to improve our home. I will plant gardens, travel, sing, read, and write. I will spend this time of in-between, experiencing the very best of life. When I feel as though I am beginning to slip, I will remember God’s Word- “But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

I know this has been a lot to read and take in, and I thank you for taking the time to read a part of my life. If you are in the same boat as me, know that you are not alone at any point of this process. I hope that you were encouraged in some way and I hope that we all will truly learn the depth of Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6

Here are a few pictures from our little farm:

A beautiful cardinal in one of our front trees.

Our lab, Breck, patiently waiting for Jordan’s command to come.

Jordan and the dogs playing in the background.

My favorite flowers, and favorite weekly pick-me-up from my thoughtful husband.

Little birds at our feeder.

My bird watching partner, Brisket.

Female cardinal at the feeder.

23 and Married- A Christian’s Response

Lately I have seen quite a few ladies share a post on my Facebook feed titled “23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23”, and I must admit the article offended me quite a bit, as well as made me shake my head towards the stupidity of the suggestions. What bothered me most was the fact the ladies who claim to follow Christ were posting it with words plastered above it such as, “truth”, “a must read”, “every single lady must read this!” As I dove into the article I noticed that her entire premise was off base. Yes, the divorce rate among those who marry young is pathetic. Yes, divorce has become a mere “hit it and quit it” excuse for a big day all about the bride. What she fails to understand is that for those of us who have gotten married young (21 for me!), and who claim to follow Christ, divorce has never been apart of our vocabulary. Divorce simply has never been an option, nor will it ever be, and this should be the mentality of ALL believers.

The writer goes on to say that we are not our parents generation nor our grandparents for that matter. But I must ask, they all got married young, pursued careers, defied societal expectations, valued family, and maintained a sense of morality in American culture. Of those things just mentioned, what is so bad? Perhaps if we sought to be more like them our world would be a much better place. I, for one, love the idea of being a young mom, I love the idea of experiencing as much of life as possible with the love of my life, and I love everything about being married. I am not confined to this picket fence, settled down lifestyle; instead I have the freedom to grow alongside the one I love, to build a legacy with him, and see the world through a lovers eyes. What a blessing it is to be married! It is not a ball and chain, and it’s not the imprisonment of everything I ever hoped to be! Sure we don’t have the money to fly all over the world because we own a home, maintain a steady job, and all those other things, but it has by no means kept us from experiencing the best parts of life.

As I read through her list I realized that her suggestions were merely the ramblings of an 18 year old stuck in a 23 year olds body. In essence she wants nothing to do with responsibility. She wants to travel, explore new religions, make out with random people, and focus merely on herself. As a Christian, life can never be so selfish. As a woman after God’s own heart, we are to have a passion for Him and for his people. We are called to serve strangers, not make out with them. We are called to go in order to proclaim Christ’s name, not for our own selfish gain. We are called to view our bodies as a temple, not to fill it with junk and pose naked for the world to see. We are called to honor our parents, not to disappoint them. We are called to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, not to fill our minds with false teaching. We are called to be different, not trendy, hipster, prepster or anything -ster. If more Christians chose to be different from the rest of the world, perhaps the divorce rates would be different. Perhaps, we, as believers, would be taken more seriously.

Ladies who call yourselves Christians, do not be fooled by the ramblings of a non-believer. Ultimately, she is lonely and tired of being single as well. If she weren’t she wouldn’t have written such condescending words towards those who are married so young. Sure, in a few years I hope to have a family. I won’t be as thin as I used to be, and I hope to be pregnant. But I will be living in accordance with God’s will for my life. I will have a husband that is only devoted to me, and children whom I will be blessed to nurture and teach. As she states in her article, you are responsible for your own happiness, but what she fails to state is that, as a believer, you are also responsible for following God’s Word and allowing Him to direct your life, not the whims of the world.

All in all, BE DIFFERENT! Go and do what God has called you to do with wild abandonment. Place your trust in HIS plan for your life. Let Him bring that amazing man into your life and show you all He has for you. If He doesn’t have Mr. Right come your way anytime soon, then just pursue intimacy with your Savior, that’s all he wants. As someone who did get married at 21, take it from me, you will never miss out on the beauty of life. Only the best lies ahead!

To Have and To Hold

Tomorrow, Jordan and I will celebrate two years of marriage. I cannot believe that time has flown by this quickly, and while I look forward to the future, I want time to slow down so I may squeeze the very best out of each minute with the one I love so dearly. I have learned a lot over these past few years, some good lessons, some hard lessons, but all necessary. After some reflection, I have decided to share just a few things I never expected to learn from our marriage. Jordan is my best friend, greatest teacher, and sweetest love, what a blessing it is to walk through life with him.

25 Things I Never Expected From Marriage:

1. Romance would shift from an accumulation of fancy gifts to small acts of service, and the service would mean much more than the fancy gift.
2. Sleeping together would feel like a dream each and every night.
3. The very best date nights would include a redbox movie, QT drinks, and Little Caesars pizza.
4. Being poor and happy, means so much more than plenty of money to blow.
5. There is never nothing to talk about.
6. Submitting to Jordan’s leadership would be a daily act of giving up control, while it has gotten a little easier, it will never be my natural inclination. I pray for a submissive heart as much as I pray for anything else.
7. Knowing Jordan’s flaws and seeing him fail has only caused me to love him more, because where he has failed in the past he has overcome through a humble and contrite spirit.
8. My flaws would become more visible, but I would not walk through my failures alone. Jordan has helped guide me and above all he has loved me unconditionally in spite of myself.
9. A small home with many projects would be the greatest test of a marriage and sanity.
10. The first year would be so hard and the second would feel like the honeymoon all over again.
11. Our differences would slowly begin to fade.
12. One phrase changes the entire course of an argument.
13. Saying “I’m sorry” means much more than being right.
14. The only acceptance I desire would be from The Lord and Jordan- no one else’s thoughts matter.
15. Sacrificing money, time, or pride would mean nothing in comparison to seeing a smile on Jordan’s face.
16. Pursuing intimacy with Jesus only produced a greater intimacy with Jordan.
17. Attraction and physical intimacy would derive from a love of each other’s souls, not a perfect body, face, and hair. No matter how Jordan looks, no one could ever give me tingles the way he does.
18. Time together is the greatest commodity.
19. Marriage would turn even the most logical of men into a Mr. Darcy.
20. Morning snuggles would help us get through the day, especially on Mondays.
21. Despite our differences, we would never want to change anything about the other.
22. Ambitions would change from a desire to be a career woman to aspiring to be the best wife, and eventual mother, I could possibly be.
23. Choosing our battles would become easier the more we desired each other’s needs above our own.
24. Marriage would only work at its peak when we are both in the right place with Jesus Christ.
25. Lastly, I never expected to be able to love Jordan any more than I did the day we wed, but each and every day, I realize that I love more because I have a greater capacity to love more. My heart has grown to love Jordan for the man he was, the man he is, and the man he will become. My heart has grown to love what he loves, and my heart has grown to love him for his integrity, his devotion, and his faithfulness to the Lord.

Jordan and I will never have it all together! We have had to learn so much in the past two years, just to even begin to fully understand each other, but Jordan and I love deeply. It is our steadfast love for each other and for the Lord that has bound us together. Our marriage is a product of perseverance and God’s grace, not of our own, selfish doing. These past two years have been the best two years of my life. Each day I wake up to the man God specifically created to walk through life with me. Jordan shares in my sorrows, joys, and all the moments in between. Aside from the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, Jordan is my greatest gift. An eternity by his side will never be enough, but while we are here on earth, I vow now, forever, and just as I did two years ago, to stand beside my husband through all things, to love him in spite of whatever may come, and to pursue with steadfast devotion a deeper relationship with our Savior. I love you with all my heart Jordan Lance.

Changing my Perspective.

Here we are into the month of thankfulness. A month set aside to express our gratitude for all the blessings in our life, and yet my heart is in a completely wrong place. Lately, I have been struggling with the Lord concerning all the excess in my life. God has been dealing with my selfish desires for more within my heart more than ever, and has finally gotten my attention.

We live in a society that preaches more stuff brings you happiness. The bigger house, designer clothing, perfect car, and high paying job equals success among many. But truth be told, God cares nothing for excess. He does not care about what I have, instead he cares about my heart. He cares about what I do with what I have been given, and to be honest I have not been a very good steward with what I have been given. Instead of helping those in need, I often seek to fill my own needs. In the area of excess I have given into the world’s standards. I have forgotten Romans 12:2 that states, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” I have conformed to this world by feeling like I never have enough. Instead of having a grateful heart and thanking God for providing for our needs, I pray for financial stability so I may be able to have more. I could not be more wrong. How dare I forget God’s many blessings and only seek to fulfill my own desires! I am truly selfish.

In order for you to have a better understanding of what I am referring to, I will list out my desires for excess. This is keep me accountable for future reference, and maybe it’ll speak to your heart as well.

How I feel: I often times have a feeling of disdain for my home. It doesn’t have all the amenities I want. It’s “only” 1300 square feet. It’s old. The master bath can’t even hold one person comfortably. It always needs something to be done to make it better. I don’t even have a laundry room, and my closet can’t even hold all my clothes.

Reality Check from the Holy Spirit: I need to be grateful that I even own a home, especially at 23. While I may not have my perfect garden tub, I have everything I need. I have clean fresh water, shelter during storms, a cool house for summer and a warm home for winter. I have a place to wash my clothes and I have a closet full of clothes to fit any and every situation. Plus, Jordan and I have worked hard to update our home. God has given us time to dream and create together. At times this home has been a test in our marriage, but we have made it through and are honestly happier than ever. While I may not have a bunch of storage for my things, maybe it is best that way. Less storage equals less room for more things. God has placed me in this home at this point in life to humble me. He has me here knowing that someday I will look back and be so grateful for this time in my life. Ultimately, God has given us something that is no longer being produced. He gave us a little piece of land to call ours. Our small acre and a half is much more than many others have. It gives us space to call our own. We don’t have neighbors right on top or beside us. And on a crisp fall morning or warm summer night, nothing beats the breeze we feel on our back porch as we watch our animals graze and play.

How I feel: My camera for my photography is not what the best photographers use. It won’t cut it because it doesn’t have all the perfect settings that a $2,000 camera would have. I don’t have enough lenses and some of the ones I do have are not good enough.

Reality Check: God has used my camera to provide extra money when we have needed it most. He has allowed for me to take my camera to different countries and locations to capture some of our sweetest memories, and many times God has allowed for me to bless others with a free photo session when they have needed it most. I remember when Jordan bought me my camera right after we got married. He surprised me by taking me to the store and got everything I needed so I could get started photographing as soon as possible. My Rebel was something I had desired for years, and my husband had finally given it to me. That is a day I will never forget, and yet I often diminish the beauty of that memory with my desire to want the bigger and better option. A new camera does not make me a better photographer, it makes me a more expensive photographer. My desire to grow and learn all there is to know about my field makes me a better photographer. I do not need a bigger camera to tell me my worth as a photographer. The look on people’s faces when they see their photos for the first time gives me more satisfaction than a $2,000 body ever could.

How I feel: I never have anything to wear. Nothing fits and everything is outdated.

Reality Check: I have too much!!! I have 2 closets filled with clothes. One closet is so full that my clothes literally broke the bar that held them up. Nothing fits because of my eating habits, and outdated clothing means nothing anymore (hipsters have made retro cool!). I have jackets to keep me warm for winter, shoes to cover my feet, t-shirts that are comfortable for everyday wear, that perfect pair of jeans, and my treasured Michael Kors bags. I have everything I need and then some.

I could go on and on listing so many areas of selfishness. The truth is that I have allowed for my desire for more to become an idol in my life. I obsess over having a “Pinterest worthy” home. I seek for new ways to beautifully organize my things instead of just having what I need, and our master bedroom is a constant pig pen because I have far too many clothes. Instead of having an attitude of gratitude towards the Lord, I have taken him off the throne of my life and replaced Him with my selfish desires for more. I have coveted my neighbors things, I have idolized the financial success of the world through the accumulation of things, and I have failed and forgotten my First Love. I have failed to recognize that everything I have is a gift from the Lord.

Unfortunately, my selfish desires have not just affected my relationship with the Lord. I have placed a huge burden on Jordan to give me more. I have acted as though his hard work and provision is not enough. I have treated our first home like it has never been good enough for me. My selfishness has caused Jordan to feel inadequate at times and ultimately I have hurt Jordan.

I am done living this selfish life. I am done asking for more. I am done being ungrateful for what I have been given. I am done hurting my husband. I am done placing material things above my Lord and Savior.

Now that I have identified my problem, I must act. Throughout the next few weeks, I will purge my life of all that is unnecessary. I will rid my home of clutter, extensively clean out my closet, only eat the food I have at home, and spend time in prayer thanking the Lord for what He has done. Instead of blogging a few posts here and there, I will bring you along for the journey. You will hold me accountable, and I hope in some way that God will speak to you as well. This won’t be a “Pinterest: how to declutter your home in 30 days series”, this will be my way of being vulnerable with the world, showing my flaws, and taking the actions I must take to get my heart back into the right place with the Lord. My desire for more has only left me feeling inadequate. Today I choose to change.

 

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (NLT)

All it took was 5 minutes

On Sunday night, it only took a mere 5 minutes for the nation and the world to see an aspect of America many do not want to talk about… or stand up against. First off, let me say that I too was disgusted with what took place on Sunday night. I truly believe that Miley was used to get the nation talking. Everyone has seen her push the limitations more and more, so of course it would make sense for a network, such as MTV, to push Miley off the edge. However, I think that even beyond Miley and MTV, there are a lot of other responsible parties in that matter. I believe these responsible parties point towards some serious flaws in our society, and therefore need to be talked about.

1. It would make sense to label Miley as the first to blame because she is in charge of her actions. She has been the one to seek to push so far away from her Hannah Montana life to where she is barely recognizable. Ultimately, all of her stunts have shown one common theme: she will do anything and all it takes to receive validation from others. She wants to be the topic of conversation. Through all of her antics, I believe we see one of the purest forms of true self-esteem issues. Therefore, it is important for her stunt to be talked about to girls struggling with identity issues.

At some point in every girl’s life there comes a time in which a girl begins to doubt herself. She sees the “prettier girls” getting attention, and therefore seeks to find ways for herself to attain such attention. Often times this attention comes from improving one’s sex appeal. It has become the norm in America to pursue attention through exploiting one’s assets, and yet women all across the country are enraged at such exploitation. Where is the consistency? Why must Hollywood determine what a woman is worth? Why must intelligence and poise be replaced by fake boobs and makeup? And why, as a country, are we obsessed with women like Miley, Kim, and Lindsay, instead of seeking to emulate Princess Kate? It is imperative for young ladies to understand, that no amount of attention, makeup, or clothing can define a woman’s worth. It is imperative for young men to understand that the girls they see as objects typically only see the boys as objects as well. Instead of praising a woman’s sex appeal, we need to raise up a generation that praises a woman for her humble elegance. We need more women who can talk about real issues instead of living in a fantasy “real housewife world”. We need more women who are willing to stand up for injustices before they seek to be another pretty face. Most of all, we need more women who will stop at nothing to bring change, in order that God may receive the glory.

2. The second responsible party is Robin Thicke and his wife. If marriage were a true sacred covenant to these people, perhaps Sunday night (or the outrageous music video) would not occur. It has been reported that Robin Thicke’s wife had no issue with what happened Sunday. She has seen it enough times for it not to bother her. I can undoubtedly tell you that if I saw another woman all over my husband in such a manner, that out of my commitment to our marriage and the covenant I made with the Lord, I would NEVER have excused such behavior! However, the Thicke’s are like many American couples, their own desires mean more to them individually than their marriage. Such is the case with many others. Whether it be someone else at the office, different dreams, the desire for more money, divorce is an everyday occurrence in our culture. Society does not place value on the vows that were spoken. Society places value on the individual and their dreams. Marriage is not about making each other happy all the time, it isn’t about fulfilling each other’s sexual needs, and it even has nothing to do with the American Dream. All of those aspects are by-products of a marriage that is a sacred union under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Marriage is a holy and sacred union that is to be protected. Had Robin Thicke truly loved and respected his wife, Miley would not have been able to come within five feet of him.

3. The third responsible party is Miley’s parents. Instead of admonishing their daughter, the Cyrus’ excused her actions. Instead of making her face the consequences of her actions, they have sought to be her support and her friend. I have seen this on a small-scale within my own community time and time again, and I will say the firmly: Parents, it is NOT your job to be your child’s best friend and biggest support group! It is your job to raise your child with standards, to reprimand them when they do wrong, and praise them for their right choices. It is your job to provide a shelter in which their minds are able to absorb the things that matter, rather than absorb the lies of this world. It is your job to encourage them to make their dreams come true, not to push them into the spotlight for your own gain. It is your job to be the person they desire to be. If you are their friend, how can you be their role model? How can you instill discipline when all you are to them is the “cool parent that buys them stuff’? Trust me, as a strong-willed child myself, there have been many a day when I hated the discipline in which I was raised. I fought against expectations of my parents for many years, only to come back and seek to be just like my mom. It is my parents’ influence in my life that has pushed me to value the morals that were instilled in me, to fight for a holy union with my husband, and to stand up for the Lord and His Word. It was my parents who created such an environment for me, not my friends.

4. The next responsible party is Hollywood and the media. Just as I mentioned above, the goal of this stunt was to get the nation talking. It was become a cover story for news outlets and just another aspect of Hollywood. The more it is talked about on the national level, the more clips that are shown, the more attention the stunt gets. Eventually the media will continue to cover the story to the point where no one cares anymore… This stunt will too become a distant memory, just like the lip-lock that occurred between Madonna, Britney, and Christina a few years ago. It is likely the VMAs will have better ratings next year, because everyone will want to see what crazy stunt will be pulled again. Next year, some other artist will be used as a tool to get the nation talking once again. People that are seeking fame and fortune are a dime a dozen, so eventually someone will step up to the plate and deliver another shocking performance. The quality of the actors or music in Hollywood essentially means nothing when the stories of celebrities cause more of a buzz than their “talent”.

5. The last responsible party is us. We are the ones who encourage for such things to occur on TV. We support the shows that directly contradict God’s Word, all because they are dramatic or funny. We are the ones who buy the song because it’s catchy, without any concern for the words. We are the ones who use our influence of money to push Hollywood to continue to produce such trash. We have in essence laid down the foundation for such things to happen because we have chosen to be silent out of fear, instead of courageous against all odds. I pray that instead of casting this issue off to the wayside in a few weeks, that we will take the time to evaluate it and seek change. I earnestly pray for the salvation of all those involved in this issue. I pray that people will see the errors of their ways and come to Jesus. Most of all, I pray that I will shield my home from the things of this world, that I will grow in my knowledge of my Savior over the headlines, and that I will be used to bring honor and glory to the Lord above all else.

“Yet not my will…”

“Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
Mark 14:36

I have grown up in church my whole life. I came to a knowledge of Jesus Christ at eight years old in Vacation Bible School, and my memories of growing up typically involve being at the church. As the daughter of a Southern Baptist pastor, I have heard the Easter story hundreds of times. Many years, I have been apart of presenting music that details the Easter story, and to be honest, all of those years, I have been more concerned about my new Easter dress than I have been about what Easter means for me as a believer. As one who has been around the church for quite some time, it was easy for me to become complacent in my reaction and gratitude towards the debt paid for my sins. Every now and then, I’d be sure to insert a small phrase of thankfulness for the cross in my prayers, but I would hardly take the time to truly meditate on all that Christ sacrificed in order for me to spend eternity with the Father. However, this year is quite different. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to seek to understand the fullness of the Easter story. I am sensitive to each word spoken about it, and feel a lump in my throat at the mention of Christ’s sacrifice for my sin.

One verse changed my whole outlook on the Easter message. I have heard this verse a thousand times, and yet had never meditated on the words. On Sunday March 17, our pastor preached on Mark 14, and when he read verse 36, time stood still within my heart for a moment. I continued to listen to the sermon and verse 36 would not leave my mind. This past week, I would, all of a sudden, begin to repeat verse 36 in my head throughout the days, and I would often find myself picturing Jesus praying in the garden. In my head, I picture Christ in utter anguish, crying out to the Father, “Abba Father…everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me.” Then, I picture a moment of perfect silence, a pause in his prayer to the Father to prepare his heart for the following statement. I picture Jesus in the midst of this silence, reconciling within himself what he was about to say to his Father. Of all the things Christ could have said/done, He breaks the perfect silence with the resounding statement, “Yet not my will…” What an unconditional, sacrificial love!

The dictionary defines “yet” as nevertheless or in spite of . When Christ says “yet”, it is as if he is saying, “In spite of the humiliation, torture, and utter pain that is coming my way, I will finish the task you placed me upon the Earth to accomplish.” This small word is the picture of Christ surrendering everything to the Father, even though it will cost him complete separation from God as Christ bears the sin of all mankind. Just to even think of all that Christ went through in an act of voluntary obedience to the will of God makes my heart ache. My Savior endured the immense pain brought on through lashings and flogging, he endured the humiliation and mockery of the people, he persevered through the trials and pain even after his followers denied him, and he willingly took on the sin of the world to suffer hell and separation from God in order to atone for our sins. This man did not just come and teach some great stuff and live a good life. This man came with the purpose of laying everything aside to accomplish the will of the Father.

I must ask myself, am I willing to sacrifice everything, including my life for the will of God? Without a doubt, my answer to that is a resounding YES. As an American, I do not have an understanding of sacrificing everything, my comforts, my friends, my family, and ultimately my physical body for the sake of Jesus Christ, but I do pray that if that moment ever came, I would speak with boldness, proclaiming the love of Jesus to all who might hear it. While, that may not be asked of me now, there are many other things I must sacrifice in order to surrender my will to my Creator. My surrender is a daily act of worship. It is a sacrifice of my desires, my time-table, and ultimately my pride. When Christ tells us to take up our cross, it is a command as his follower. I cannot seek intimacy with my Savior, unless I am surrendering my will as he did. When it all comes down to it, whether I am called to sacrifice my time, relationships, or even my life, I am encouraged by Paul’s writing to the Romans.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

The only reason I am encouraged by this passage is because I know I serve a living Savior, that died upon the cross and suffered separation from in his Father, in order that I may never know of that separation. I encourage you, as we begin this week of reflection for Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection, that you meditate on The Word. I pray that you will grow in your gratitude for the sacrifice of the Savior and that this Easter will transform your life like never before. I pray if you are reading this and have never trusted in Jesus Christ, that you will come to a saving knowledge of him. He died that we might never know separation from God, but He does not force us into a relationship with him. We must come willingly. I pray as I go on from here, that I will earnestly seek the will of God for my life. I pray I will seek intimacy in my spirit with my Savior. Lastly, I pray that when the time comes for me to reconcile within my soul a course of action, that I too will boldly proclaim, “Yet not my will, but what you will.”

“True surrender is not simply surrender of our external life but surrender of our will- and once that is done, surrender is complete. The greatest crisis we will ever face is the surrender of our will…True surrender is a matter of being ‘united together [with Jesus] in the likeness of His death’ (Romans 6:5) until nothing ever appeals to you that did not appeal to Him. And after you surrender- then what? Your entire life should be characterized by an eagerness to maintain unbroken fellowship and oneness with God.”
 -Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest