A Season of Waiting

Writing is a true therapy for me. I am not always gushing to write something, but when I am inspired I must take the time to sit down and pen what is in my heart. Often times I succeed at writing when I feel led, but learning to write as a discipline has been something I have been working on. When 2014 started I had the goal of writing one post a week. I love reading weekly blog posts and I love to write so I figured I should give it a try. Yet, here we are six weeks into the new year and I have already failed at one of my resolutions. This week will change that. My goal for the weekly blog posts is to virtually bring you into my living room as my friend. I want you to feel as though we are sitting there drinking a glass of sweet tea as a pie bakes in the oven, sharing our joys and sorrows.

This past October, I visited my mom’s hometown, with my mom, sister, aunt, and granny. While in Henderson we visited one of my Granny’s friends, Lillian. As I walked into her home I was greeted with the smell of a fresh-baked pumpkin pie, along with a sweet southern embrace. While sharing our pie we talked about our various lives, where we had gone and what we had done. Of the seven women present, five of them had experienced tremendous loss in some way. Some had lost children, others their husbands, and yet they continued to be women of unconditional joy and faith. As I sat there observing their moments of tears and laughter, I couldn’t help but to wish for the same.

Our culture is so caught up in running to the next thing, having the perfect life, and filling our time with more stuff that we forget to stop, share a piece of pie and catch up on life. We’d rather text than talk on the phone. We’d rather look at instagram than experience life with others. We’d rather catch up on the latest news on Facebook than invite people into our home. We have no problem sharing the happy things on social media, but we will not dare look vulnerable or share our sorrows with others. I don’t want to be like that any longer. I want to be open with others, letting them see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want others to feel at home in my presence, not like they must have it all together. At the end of it all I want to be a portrait of God’s grace, sharing with others that when I have fallen, my Savior has picked me up. Therefore, even if life becomes routine, I will seek to use this blog as a means of worshipping God in the midst of monotony. In times of joy I will share His wonderful blessings, and in times of sorrow, I will share of His life-altering lessons and the peace only He can give.

After our cruise last June, Jordan and I felt called to begin trying to start a family. So far, eight months later, it still hasn’t happened. I know for some eight months seems like nothing compared to eight years, but I have begun to have an understanding of the monthly heartbreak that comes after a negative test comes back. I want nothing more than to be a mother. I breathe, eat, sleep all things motherhood right now. It is all I think about! I have given up cokes and sugar (for the most part), brought yoga into my daily routine, and disciplined myself to wake up with Jordan so I can get things done around the house before he gets home. Jordan and I have specifically gotten our finances in order so that we may be ready when a baby does come. I daydream of how I will tell Jordan, our families, and the world when the time comes, and I pin all things baby when I have a few minutes to spare. Yet despite all of my  “preparation”, God has not answered my prayer.

After getting a few negative tests, I began to get jealous of all the happy moms and pregnant ladies around me. I began to rush God’s timing for my own desires. I would only pray really hard when the time would come for a test, and when it came back negative I would cry out of disappointment. Up until January this was a cyclical series of emotions. While at church one day I felt so convicted for my attitude. I felt ashamed for not trusting God’s timing and for attempting to rush His perfect plan. I was so convicted I walked up to the altar of the church, and just as Hannah poured her heart before the Lord (1 Samuel 1:10-16), I surrendered my desire for motherhood to Him.

This act of surrendering my greatest desire to the Lord has by no means been easy. My sinful nature pushes me to rush this time. I want to blow past all of this waiting instead of savoring each moment as a gift. Despite my impatience, God has me in this season of waiting for a reason. I must completely and fully trust Him. 1 Samuel 1:20, according to the ESV version, says that Hannah conceived a child in due time. The Bible does not tell us when exactly this happened, but it did happen in God’s timing. When God was finished preparing Hannah for the miracle of a child He answered her prayer. I believe the same will happen for me. I often feel as though I am ready now, but ultimately God says I am not. I need to trust Him and His timing more, and I need to desire Him more than I desire a child. Above all, I do not want to waste this time any longer.

So, for this season of waiting, I will love Jesus more. I will cherish the time I have with Jordan as just the two of us. I will work hard to be healthy and fit for when a blessing comes my way. I will snuggle with my pups while they are still my fur-babies. I will spend Saturdays photographing life on our little farm. I will be motivated to persevere through my job and school. I will dream up new ways to improve our home. I will plant gardens, travel, sing, read, and write. I will spend this time of in-between, experiencing the very best of life. When I feel as though I am beginning to slip, I will remember God’s Word- “But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

I know this has been a lot to read and take in, and I thank you for taking the time to read a part of my life. If you are in the same boat as me, know that you are not alone at any point of this process. I hope that you were encouraged in some way and I hope that we all will truly learn the depth of Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6

Here are a few pictures from our little farm:

A beautiful cardinal in one of our front trees.

Our lab, Breck, patiently waiting for Jordan’s command to come.

Jordan and the dogs playing in the background.

My favorite flowers, and favorite weekly pick-me-up from my thoughtful husband.

Little birds at our feeder.

My bird watching partner, Brisket.

Female cardinal at the feeder.

“Yet not my will…”

“Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
Mark 14:36

I have grown up in church my whole life. I came to a knowledge of Jesus Christ at eight years old in Vacation Bible School, and my memories of growing up typically involve being at the church. As the daughter of a Southern Baptist pastor, I have heard the Easter story hundreds of times. Many years, I have been apart of presenting music that details the Easter story, and to be honest, all of those years, I have been more concerned about my new Easter dress than I have been about what Easter means for me as a believer. As one who has been around the church for quite some time, it was easy for me to become complacent in my reaction and gratitude towards the debt paid for my sins. Every now and then, I’d be sure to insert a small phrase of thankfulness for the cross in my prayers, but I would hardly take the time to truly meditate on all that Christ sacrificed in order for me to spend eternity with the Father. However, this year is quite different. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to seek to understand the fullness of the Easter story. I am sensitive to each word spoken about it, and feel a lump in my throat at the mention of Christ’s sacrifice for my sin.

One verse changed my whole outlook on the Easter message. I have heard this verse a thousand times, and yet had never meditated on the words. On Sunday March 17, our pastor preached on Mark 14, and when he read verse 36, time stood still within my heart for a moment. I continued to listen to the sermon and verse 36 would not leave my mind. This past week, I would, all of a sudden, begin to repeat verse 36 in my head throughout the days, and I would often find myself picturing Jesus praying in the garden. In my head, I picture Christ in utter anguish, crying out to the Father, “Abba Father…everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me.” Then, I picture a moment of perfect silence, a pause in his prayer to the Father to prepare his heart for the following statement. I picture Jesus in the midst of this silence, reconciling within himself what he was about to say to his Father. Of all the things Christ could have said/done, He breaks the perfect silence with the resounding statement, “Yet not my will…” What an unconditional, sacrificial love!

The dictionary defines “yet” as nevertheless or in spite of . When Christ says “yet”, it is as if he is saying, “In spite of the humiliation, torture, and utter pain that is coming my way, I will finish the task you placed me upon the Earth to accomplish.” This small word is the picture of Christ surrendering everything to the Father, even though it will cost him complete separation from God as Christ bears the sin of all mankind. Just to even think of all that Christ went through in an act of voluntary obedience to the will of God makes my heart ache. My Savior endured the immense pain brought on through lashings and flogging, he endured the humiliation and mockery of the people, he persevered through the trials and pain even after his followers denied him, and he willingly took on the sin of the world to suffer hell and separation from God in order to atone for our sins. This man did not just come and teach some great stuff and live a good life. This man came with the purpose of laying everything aside to accomplish the will of the Father.

I must ask myself, am I willing to sacrifice everything, including my life for the will of God? Without a doubt, my answer to that is a resounding YES. As an American, I do not have an understanding of sacrificing everything, my comforts, my friends, my family, and ultimately my physical body for the sake of Jesus Christ, but I do pray that if that moment ever came, I would speak with boldness, proclaiming the love of Jesus to all who might hear it. While, that may not be asked of me now, there are many other things I must sacrifice in order to surrender my will to my Creator. My surrender is a daily act of worship. It is a sacrifice of my desires, my time-table, and ultimately my pride. When Christ tells us to take up our cross, it is a command as his follower. I cannot seek intimacy with my Savior, unless I am surrendering my will as he did. When it all comes down to it, whether I am called to sacrifice my time, relationships, or even my life, I am encouraged by Paul’s writing to the Romans.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

The only reason I am encouraged by this passage is because I know I serve a living Savior, that died upon the cross and suffered separation from in his Father, in order that I may never know of that separation. I encourage you, as we begin this week of reflection for Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection, that you meditate on The Word. I pray that you will grow in your gratitude for the sacrifice of the Savior and that this Easter will transform your life like never before. I pray if you are reading this and have never trusted in Jesus Christ, that you will come to a saving knowledge of him. He died that we might never know separation from God, but He does not force us into a relationship with him. We must come willingly. I pray as I go on from here, that I will earnestly seek the will of God for my life. I pray I will seek intimacy in my spirit with my Savior. Lastly, I pray that when the time comes for me to reconcile within my soul a course of action, that I too will boldly proclaim, “Yet not my will, but what you will.”

“True surrender is not simply surrender of our external life but surrender of our will- and once that is done, surrender is complete. The greatest crisis we will ever face is the surrender of our will…True surrender is a matter of being ‘united together [with Jesus] in the likeness of His death’ (Romans 6:5) until nothing ever appeals to you that did not appeal to Him. And after you surrender- then what? Your entire life should be characterized by an eagerness to maintain unbroken fellowship and oneness with God.”
 -Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest